Thursday, June 4, 2009

Because He knows and He is ALWAYS there

As many of you know from my FB status messages, the last couple of days have been extremely trying for me. My FIRST Darling Daughter, oldest of the Clan, is making very poor use of her agency. It's so heartbreaking as her parent to have to sit idly by and watch her make mistakes that will set her ship sailing on the most tumultous of waters. Mistakes that I KNOW she knows better than to make. I mean I raised her, I know how she was raised, I know the values that have been instilled in her, the morals I've inspired her to have, etc and yet she makes CONSTANT and DELIBERATE choices that wind up getting her the very opposite of what she claims to want the most. No amount of counsel, guidance, love, support, encouragement, faith, or even prayer has managed to re-direct her path at present. For the better part of these past two days I've just cried and cried but in 2 Nephi it says "for it must needs be, that there is an aopposition in all things." Notice the word ALL. There must be opposition in all things...sometimes though I wish we could get by without so much opposition. Am I the only one who often wishes there only had to be opposition in SOME things?!?!? I realize that if I didn't have so much drama with my oldest, I may not appreciate the lack of it with my youngest three; however that is honestly little comfort.

Last night as I was chatting (and crying) to or with a neighbor, I had an ah-ha moment. The clue bird landed and I finally got it...

Heavenly Father must feel the same heartache, pain, agony, and sorrow when WE, His children, transgress. When He looks down and sees us making choices He KNOWS we know better than. When He sees us DO things He KNOWS we know we ought not be doing. I know first hand how difficult it is to cast out a child. I can't imagine the heartache He must have experienced in having to cast Lucifer out...not just for a brief period of time, but forever. Lucifer, despite his evil nature and goals, is nonetheless, still our Father's child as well.

My heart breaks for my daughter on a regular basis. It is extremely painful and difficult to see her choose to be who she is when I know she is capable of so much more. Well wait, maybe I don't KNOW it, I just think it. I think she is capable of much more than she chooses to become and it is difficult to see her suffer after having made some very bad choices; it's difficult to see her cry and scream "I'm mad at you this is all your fault" even though I know that she knows better.

It is difficult for me, and I have just one challenging child. Can you imagine the position of our Heavenly Father...I have no idea what the world population is but I'm CONFIDENT He has quite a few more than just ONE challenging child. How His heart must break for us as we stumble and fall and get ourselves into troubled waters. And yet, no matter how many times we stumble, trip or in some cases jump in the so fast we forget to plug our noses and hit the bottom, HE is STILL here. Never forcing us to come to Him, or even to come around, but always here if and when we choose to do either.

In Hebrews 13:5 we are told that He will NEVER leave us, nor forsake us. Sometimes though, we forsake Him. I feel like my child has forsaken me. I suspect He feels the same emotions I am feeling now when we turn from Him. I pray I can have His strength to be the same constant for my child as He is for us...that I will have the strength to never leave or forsake her. I pray my heart won't break beyond its ability to mend and that in time, my child will turn away from wrongdoing and find calmer waters on which to sail. I pray I can be a source of constant comfort to my child like Heavenly Father is to me so that when she is ready to reach out, she will find my hand there to steady her.